“So, you two aren’t ashamed to tell me that a new transplant from a different city is better than you at SQL?” Deadpan voice and blank stare.
Matt and I knew enough about our manager to know that he was joking. Sorta. On one hand, he was not truly shaming us into improving our SQL skills. On the other hand, he really was. While we both knew what he meant, we also knew that this wasn’t your run-of-the-mill negative emotion projection of a young manager who has not yet mastered management communication. This was Jedi-level immigrant dad management.
It’s the management style that you do not read about in books or learn in HBS classes.
To be fair, it is a style that has been characterized as “high care, high standards” in the inevitable 2x2 matrix of management books such as High Output Management but it feels different because immigrant dads show that they care in ways that, if not well understood, can lead to many dollars and hours in therapy. Immigrant dads, and them as managers, have a language all to themselves and it requires deep understanding.
Why the need to understand immigrant dad language? Because immigrant dads are complex. Their language of praise and care is not English, or Hindi, or Yoruba, or Spanish, or Mandarin. Yet, it is. They use those languages to reveal they care, but it’s always hard to tell because it can come across as negative.
“Does your classmate that scored 100 have two heads?!”
“And you’re not even ashamed”
And the most emotionally painful (at least for Nigerians)
“You tried”
Side story: I once wrote an essay that was picked out of thousands and awarded me a free flight, hotel, and entry at a business conference in Switzerland that was so prestigious I ended up drinking coffee with then German PM Angela Merkel overlooking the Swiss Alps. I sent that essay to my dad and he said, “You tried”. I hit my limit that day. I responded (for the only time ever), “Naw, Dad, I did it this time.”
Anyway, if you grew up with or worked for an immigrant or first generation Asian, African, or South American person, you may have experienced immigrant dad management. It’s gender neutral, by the way. Immigrant dads come in all genders.
You may be wondering if one of your previous managers was an immigrant dad management practitioner. Here are some of the signs:
You find yourself working harder because of a seemingly offhand comment
You sometimes look around bewildered because of something they said to see if anyone else heard it
You can feel (maybe) that they care even though they’ve never said anything caring to you in their life
You find your standards for work raising and you’re not sure why
You take more pride in your work
If you said Yes to 3 of the 5 questions above and definitely Yes to question 3, you’ve experienced immigrant dad management.
While some might say that immigrant dad management is not for everybody, I disagree. I think that immigrant dad management is for everybody, but you have to understand the signs. You have to be able to understand their language. If you don’t quite understand their language, I’m here to help. Here’s a glossary of the most common sayings from immigrant dads and a bit of a translation to help you get through the day:
“Does your classmate that scored 100% have two heads?” - I know that you can do better and I believe in you
“And you’re not even ashamed” - You can do more. Believe in yourself the way I believe in you.
“Look at (your cousin, sibling, family friend, neighbor that you despise for being so perfect)” - You can achieve all the things that person is achieving if you apply yourself.
*quite stare and thumbs-up gesture* - Good job
*two thumbs-up gesture (in-person, but more likely on Whatsapp1)* - You’re the best
“Good job” - I actually don’t know what this means from an immigrant dad or an immigrant dad manager as I’ve never heard it. If you hear it from them, get checked out. You’re hearing things.
To wrap this up, I’d like to add that the line between immigrant dad manager and asshole is really thin and blurry, but it is defined by care. The immigrant dad has to show that he cares in ambiguous, but deeply felt ways. The manager (name redacted to protect the immigrant) probably doesn’t even remember the following, but after his comment, I was determined to improve my SQL skills. He gave me approval and funding to take an internal SQL course, sent people my way when they needed SQL help, and ultimately pushed for my promotion based on a complex SQL query that saved the company millions of dollars a year.
I’m not the best person that I know at SQL, but if a random person emailed me needing help, there’s a 95% chance that I could get it solved. Send funds before sending queries though. I’m good enough at SQL to charge for it.
And my immigrant dad might be proud of that, but who really ever knows?
Cheers,
Sola
incorrectly pronounced by immigrant dads everywhere